A-a-r-d-v-a-r-k

My boyfriend was flipping through channels this morning trying to find the World Cup, and happened upon Arthur. Clearly we (I) decided Arthur was more important than sports, so we stopped to watch it.

At one point in the episode, Muffy’s butler pulled out his cell, and rather than the clunky, Zac Morris-esque brick I was expecting, it turned out to be AN iPHONE.

Now, I was under the impression that this show was firmly rooted in the 90s. Have they continued production since the time I stopped watching it in 1998? Is there a 20 year backlog of episodes I have yet to see? More importantly, is there an updated White House episode where DW straight up chills with Biden and Obama?

I hope so. That’s what the world needs right now.

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Yo Momma

Apparently, Groupon thinks my mom is fat. I got an email with recommendations “JUST for Mom” and they were all liposuction and tummy slimming deals. It’s super fucking rude; they could have just suggested different painting and wine classes, though I guess that would defeat their goal of having her slim down as wine is high in calories.

So now I have to find out where Groupon is based and go fight them. This is not how I was planning on spending my weekend.

Au Revoir

LAZY GIRL POLL:

Am I

A) finally learning to play guitar

or

B) burning off my fingertips so I can fake my own death and run away to live a simple life in the south of France, free from debt and the shackles of modern society once and for all?

Knowing me, it’s really anyone’s guess.

Julie Roberts Ruins Everything

This picture is evidence that I need to go ahead and reset my Netflix password because my mother watching Julia Roberts movies is really screwing up my algorithm, but also, couldn’t this category just be called Middle Aged Women Tilting Their Heads and Looking Dreamily Into the Horizon?

It’s Mrs. Snakehole to You

Today I found myself switching from Neutral Milk Hotel to the Monster Mash station on Pandora and I realized I’m one evil glare away from becoming April Ludgate.

(Actual image of me at work)

This is further solidified by the fact that I will be dressing as Janet Snakehole for Halloween. Life imitating art? I think so.

Target or Not Target, That Is the Question

My boyfriend recently made fun of me, which was pretty weird because usually I’m the one making fun of him.  I was complaining to him about the delay on my package from Target.  When he asked what I was waiting for, I told him–foil, mascara, shampoo, drano, every little household item I was too busy* to go out and buy.  Now, I’m not one to go and throw around the “shaming” word, but the look he gave me and the ensuing, seemingly endless laughter will stick with me for quite some time.

Regardless, he got me to thinking.  Maybe it was silly of me, buying foil from the internet, especially when the day I bought it was the day I immediately needed it.  I was hosting Girl’s Night Handmaid’s Tale Bingeathon, and was forced to cook our Trader Joe’s flatbreads directly on the cookie sheets.  I LITERALLY had to put the flatbreads STRAIGHT on the pans, dirtying them, forcing me to have to wash them later rather than just throwing them back in the oven after a cursory wipe with a paper towel.  When will the inconveniences end?

Today I decided enough was enough and stopped at Target on my way home from the gym.  And that’s when I realized just why I was right all along, as always, SUCK IT, JOHN.  While I went in for a $3.99 item, I ended up leaving with $54.67 of merchandise.  I passed the clothes on my way to the kitchen supplies and remembered that I was running low on clean underwear and was too busy** to do the laundry.  I threw some in the cart.  I saw the clearance and while leafing through, I found a shirt for $2.40 (not complaining about this one, just wanted to show off my sweet deal).  I threw that in the cart.  From there, the Siren song of the wine aisle pulled me in, followed by the 2 for $5 ice cream, and before I knew it, I was upstairs, getting a scooper for my Caramel Cone Swirl, some adorable baby mason jars, and a gorgeous bronze and pink mug as a treat to myself for how hard I work.***

  

i deserrrrrrve itttttt
 So not to shame the shamer, but clearly I was right and will be sticking to online ordering for the forseeable future.

* lazy
** lazy
*** I really don’t.