Friday was the first day Starbucks officially began selling Pumpkin Spice, and what did I do that morning? Went out and picked up a Pumpkin Spice iced coffee.
And I grabbed one Saturday morning. And I had one this morning.
I know you’ll call me basic, but I don’t care. I love fall. I love pumpkins and brisk air and scary stories and the gruesomeness of Halloween. I’m a November baby, a Slytherin-Dragon-Scorpio, Autumn is in my genes.
What’s more, I’ve had an exhausting summer. No, I didn’t travel the world like all those insta-girls out there, posting pictures in Thailand one week and Paris the next. The most traveling I did was to urgent care; one week picking up antibiotics for a UTI, the next for a girl-infection the antibiotics caused. Two weeks later, I would return to treat the UTI that never fully went away, rinse, repeat.
So really, you can’t blame me for jumping head-first into the nearest pile of leaves. I am ready to be done with the stagnancy of summer, the unattainable beach body, the suffocating heat–I already sweat in my sleep, I don’t need 100 degree temperatures to add to the problem.
I’m ready to break out my mustard sweaters and plum lipsticks, ready to binge on bratwursts and beer at Oktoberfest. I eagerly await curling up to Halloween 1, Halloween2 and Rob Zombie’s take on the classic film, which against all odds, I am not disgusted by. I want to make tikka masala and meatloaf and soup and drink my pumpkin spice coffees sans judgment.
Because in the end, aren’t we all a little basic? You summer girls can have your hot dog leg beach photos and Taco Tuesdays and I’ll stick with my scary moviethons and trips to the pumpkin patch, knowing in my heart that I am the one with superior tastes.
7) Like, my best friend loves Rob Zombie and his wife and would marry them both in a blood-soaked, human-sacrificial ceremony if the law permitted, but I can’t deal with him or his films because he pretty much recreates my nightmares on screen.
8) So when I say scary movies, I mean thrillers and the classics like Psycho or Halloween (which, let’s be real, is the best horror film of all time).
9) Or I also love that real kitschy shit like Pet Semetary 2 and Tales From the Darkside.
10) Okay, goddamn Gina, focus.
11) What I started this post to say was I love Autumn because it’s amazing for a lot of reasons but this year is going to be especially wonderful because of the amount of gigantic books coming out. After 10ish years, Jonathan Safran Foer has a new novel. Zadie Smith is going to be back in the game. Ian McEwan is gracing us with his presence. Maria Semple is serving up something new. And to top it all off, Bryan Cranston and Anna Kendrick are giving us mere mortals a glimpse into their lives.
12) So basically, I’m gonna John Milton-it and read myself blind.
13) Which could in and of itself be a horror movie, if not a really, really boring one.
It’s a hundred degrees. And I’m not just exaggerating like that time I said I would LITERALLY KILL MYSELF if Nicholas beat Nina on Top Chef New Orleans. No, it is actually 100 degrees in October and I will seriously BURN THIS CITY TO THE GROUND if it doesn’t cool off soon.
Because it is too hot to go to the pumpkin patch, I have decided to celebrate Fall in a way less likely to make me collapse of heat stroke. I have decided to throw on a scary movie, and make an Autumnal wreath.
First things first, set up your fans. Grab every last one in your home, and position them inches from your body. Have an ice pack in your freezer? Grab that too. Dab it lovingly on your face; clutch it dearly to your breast. You already feel better, now don’t you?
Okay, now turn on Netflix and peruse the selection until you find something worthy of background noise, something you’ve seen before but it’s been a few years now and you really kind of miss it. My choice? Scream.
Now here’s what you’ll need:
A plain wreath
Some faux foliage
Your trusty hot glue gun
About 12 inches of twine
Step One: Remove the berries from the stem and glue them to the wreath. Now don’t worry, the berries are attached to the main stem in little segmented stems; think of the large stem as an artery, the small stems as veins, and the little berries as capillaries. You don’t need to cut off every berry individually and glue them to the wreath; Lord knows I don’t have the patience for that. Just slice the veins from the artery and glue the vein to the wreath. This allows our little capillaries flexibility around the foliage you add in the following steps. I went and used two whole stems worth of berries because I like them so much.
Step Two: Now remember when I made those mason jar candleholders and told you that some of the materials would go toward a future craft? THIS IS SAID FUTURE CRAFT. Any leftover leaves I had from the garland got glued onto the wreath. They’re malleable and easy to tuck under the berries, so do that when you can. I decided to cover the full surface of the wreath, but feel like just a handful of them to add some color? Great. Do YOU.
Step Three: Decapitate your flowers, and affix them to the wreath. I used some faux mums and peonies; they added a nice bright pop of color and, yes, I know it’s a Fall wreath and one would expect pinecones for the larger, statement pieces, but we do live in San Diego–florals are appropriate year round.
Step Four: Take your twine and tie it to the back of the wreath so you can easily hang it. Put on your front door and induce jealousy.
Alright, now for the cost:
Garland of leaves: $3.99
Two berry stems: $4.98
The cost of the twine was negligible, probably about five cents or so, as was the glue for the glue gun. So all in all, you made your very own Fall wreath for under $20, AND got to watch a scary movie at the same time, AND didn’t pass out under the glare of the defiant, blazing sun! That is literally the greatest triumph in the history of mankind. And no, that is not an exaggeration.
Hey you guys. It’s been a while; last time you saw me, I was scrubbing some stubborn blue polish off my fingernails. Let’s just say I took a long summer vacation (like, the entire summer; just all of it), and am back and ready to help guide you through the struggles of life.
One of the many things I have done during my not-so-brief respite is move. Sometime last April I was meeting up with a friend at her apartment. I noticed a For Rent sign on the outside of her complex. “Two bedroom, two bath upstairs unit for rent, with garage and additional parking space,” the sign read. “$1425/month. Contact Marty with applications.”
“Hey, Melissa,” I greeted my friend upon entering her apartment, “looks like you’ve got a spot opening up in your complex. I should move in–we can be neighbors,” I joked.
“GINA LET’S DO IT.”
“I was kind of just joking…”
“OH MY GOD I’D SAVE SO MUCH MONEY.”
“Uhhhh, didn’t you just move in here four months ag–”
“GINA, I’M CALLING HIM NOW.”
Fifteen minutes later, I was touring the apartment that would soon become home. Thankfully Melissa and I had lived together in the past but, after a possum died and rotted for a full month under our house, birthing an infestation of flies to rival that of The Amityville Horror, we had to quickly leave. We packed our things, shoved them in our parents’ garages, and went on our merry ways for two years. Because of this, moving was relatively inexpensive.
Though we already have a good amount of decor, there is still plenty of room for expansion and improvement. Both Melissa and myself enjoy decorating, and are excited to add touches of coziness where we can; what better time to do this than Fall?
While poking around on Pinterest today, I found an adorable and seemingly easy way to add a bit of Autumn to the house.
Easy enough. I decided to see if I could recreate it.
But wait, before we get into everything, can we just talk about how put together I am today?
Despite having nowhere to go, no one to see, and not a single soul in the world to impress, I showered, put on makeup, and assembled a top notch outfit. Good for me!
In my gorgeous new clothes and clean, silky hair, I went to Michael’s and picked up my supplies.
Here’s whatcha need:
Twine (not pictured)
A substance with which to adhere the leaves to the jar (I’ll get to this later…)
Candles with which to illuminate your beautiful work immediately once finished
A fun podcast to get you through all the heads down work. My new favorite is How Did This Get Made?, created by and starring Andre and Rafi from The League. They watch terrible movies, and talk about them. I made these while listening to the episode about LOL. It’s a horrifying movie starring Miley Cyrus and Demi Moore and I highly, highly recommend it.
Step One: Deleaf Your Garland
I decided to buy a garland of fall leaves rather than a bag with half as many leaves that was selling at twice the price. When living in poverty, you really have to keep an eye on that budget. The garlands were 50% off so each one came out to $4; I got three to use in this project, and another top secret one that will be unveiled in the near future. So here’s what you do: take your scissors. Snip off a leaf. Be careful to not cut a hole in your palm. Not that I did. But, you know, it could happen to someone, even if she’s really smart and maybe just kind of wasn’t paying attention for a minute. Repeat until all leaves have been removed. I also decided to pull the thick plastic veins off the leaves to make them stick to the jar better. It’s very easy and makes a big difference, I promise.
Step Two: Adhere Your Leaves to Your Jar
Initially, I tried to use Modge Podge to do this. That’s what the Pinterest article advised, and their jars looked beautiful–why wouldn’t mine? I painted a thin coat of the stuff on one side of the jar, as instructed. I waited for it to get tacky, as instructed. I placed my leaf on the jar and gently pressed down, as instructed. I lifted my hand up a minute later and the leaf fell off, as not mentioned anywhere in the article. I tried for 45 minutes to get the leaves to stick–I applied layers on top of the leaves, I applied layers underneath the leaves. I tried and I tried and I tried but the leaves just refused to stick. Terrified that I had wasted money on a worthless craft, I began to panic. That is until I remembered my secret weapon…
THE HOT GLUE GUN. I plugged that thing in, gave it two minutes to harness its heat, and glued the SHIT out of those leaves. Sweat dripping down my face, fingers burning, strings of glue flying every which way, it was a sight to see. Some good, raw crafting at its finest.
Step Three: Twine It Up
Basically take your twine, measure out a length you’re happy with, and wrap it around the top of your jar. Tie it into a nice pretty bow. Marvel at how something so raw and coarse can look so pretty. Wonder if that’s a metaphor for life.
Step Four: Brag About It
BOW DOWN BITCHES.
Because I assume some of you are also living paycheck to paycheck, here’s a little breakdown on cost:
Mason Jar: $2.99
1 Garland: $3.99
200 Feet of Twine: $6.99
I only used about 3 feet of the twine and probably less than half the garland to cover one jar…so after some maaath….each candle holder was about $6 to make. I already had my glue gun which I got for about $2, and the glue sticks were from the dollar store, so that won’t add much to your cost if you do not already own these tools. Cheap girls for the win!
As I hinted at previously, I have another Secret Autumn Craft Project in full swing. “What else could she do with fall leaves?” You may be wondering. “Is the twine going to be featured as well? What divine creation will she bestow upon us next?” Check back next week to find out!