Horse Play

This morning as we were getting ready, I was telling my boyfriend about one of my all time favorite murders where a girl posed as an FBI agent in order to trick her mom and boyfriend into killing a family for her. I couldn’t remember her name or other details so I started to google “girl acts like” and had to pause for a minute when I saw the third result: 

though, honestly, the second result is pretty troubling too.

 I laughed then immediately clicked on it. 
I mean, I don’t know what I expected. It was exactly as it sounds. 

  
There was even a pretty recent article about a girl in Encinitas who does such a thing.  Cool, I thought, remember to avoid Encinitas, and went back to researching more normal things, like a woman catfishing her mom on her home computer while she sat three feet away yelling at Wheel of Fortune.

I somehow managed to forget all about this until perusing Hulu this evening.  I was excited to see My Strange Addiction was available, and began looking through episodes. 

That’s when I saw this.

Is this the universe telling me to get into pony play?  I truly hope not.  But it’s good to know there’s a girl just up in Encinitas who can give me some tips if I do.

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My Urinary Medical History, or An Argument for Planned Parenthood

Sunday night I began to get a funny feeling.  Not like a premonitory-That’s-So-Ravenesque funny feeling (the kind I’ve been wanting my whole life, TBH), but a discomfort that was a telltale sign of a UTI.  Fifteen minutes after laying down to sleep, I rose, peed, and went back to bed.  Then ten minutes later I rose, peed, and went back to bed.  Five minutes after that I rose, peed, and just stayed in the bathroom for the next four hours.  In between the waves of fever and chills and the hundreds of games of Word Streak I was consecutively losing (UTIs cause disorientation too, OKAY), I remembered I had something far more useful and less humiliating on my phone—the Planned Parenthood app, which allows you to request meds for UTIs by simply answering a questionnaire.  I filled it out, took the world’s worst toilet-selfie*, and as the clock struck 3 and the Azo began to kick in, sweetly numbing my urinary tract enough to allow me to rest, I submitted the request and passed out.  I awoke 5 hours later to an alert that my request was fulfilled, and Dr. Liu (to whom I will forever be grateful) had my antibiotics waiting for me at the CVS down the road.  I was able to hop in the car, run to the pharmacy, and make it back home without having to stop to pee once!  It is a bigger accomplishment than it sounds.

Yes, I have health insurance THANKFULLY.  But Azo can cloud the results and make further testing necessary, prolonging the process.  And I need Azo or I will curl up into a ball and cry and pee nonstop.  And if I cry and pee nonstop I will lose too many fluids and become dehydrated and die.  It’s that simple.  Also, to use said health insurance, I would have had to make a trip down to urgent care; while I usually love sitting in a waiting room for an hour while chugging unsweetened cranberry juice and getting up to use the restroom every five minutes, this process was EVEN MORE ENJOYABLE THAN THAT, and cost the same in the end.

It may sound insane to those who have never had the pleasure of experiencing one, but I’ve probably had about 20 UTIs in my life, one that lead to a kidney infection a few years back.  Just this past November I got a series of them with BV sprinkled in the mix, a sort of icing on my cake of misery (ew.  I’m sorry, that sounded so gross).  I was in between health insurance as I was trying to better myself (clearly a bad idea) and had just left a job and started at a new one that was great, but didn’t allow me on their plan until I had been at the company for three months.  I was in pain, in tears, and couldn’t afford a trip to urgent care.  I stopped in the CVS minute clinic thinking that could be an option, but the man there coldly told me he was required to run extra tests on the urine sample that would bring the cost up to a cool $300, simply because I had had a UTI a month before.  I walked out of that meeting feeling a sense of desperation I would only wish on Donald Trump.  And Mike Pence.  And all those bastards out there trying to take away the one option I was able to turn to in that horrible moment.  I called Planned Parenthood and though it was 4:50 and the nearby office closed at 5, the attendant on the phone called them especially for me and they stayed open to accommodate me.  They were so sweet, and so kind, and so understanding, and so human.  I’m poor enough to where I don’t have to pay for most basic services there (what’s uuuup, poverty paaaaaays), but I donated money because even though clearly I should be the one accepting donations, what they do matters and what they do is important and what they do, they should keep being able to do forever and ever.

And YEAH, they provide abortions to women who want or need them.  But guess what?  YOU LIVE IN A COUNTRY WHERE ABORTIONS ARE MOTHERFUCKING LEGAL.  Maybe you don’t want your taxpayer dollars going toward them the way I don’t want my taxpayer dollars going toward keeping Melania Trump cozy in her King Midas ass penthouse, but there you go. It is what it is.  And if you really want abortions to stop, the best way is by preventing pregnancy in the first place which OMG YOU GUESSED IT! Planned Parenthood helps with immensely by offering birth control at low or no cost.

So what you should take from all of this is that Planned Parenthood is a great place.  It’s helpful and efficient.  It’s a realistic healthcare option for women in a world full of bullshit.  And while we all very well may die within the next month in the Great Nuclear Holocaust Kim Jong-un and Trump are itching to start, we are alive now and should stand up for what matters until the end.  With that said, Vive la resistance and DON’T LET THE BASTARDS GRIND YOU DOWN.

*It’s a requirement, don’t judge.**

**The picture part is a requirement, not the “on-the-toilet” part.***

***But if you have UTIs like I have UTIs, the “on-the-toilet” part is a given.