Consider the Flamingo

I love flamingos.  So, so much.  First there’s their gorgeous coloration.

  
I want coral skin.  It’s not fair.

Secondly, there’s their cat-like, spastic behavior.  So many times have I seen a flamingo just standing in the pool, casually looking around, acting cool and collected; then out of nowhere, he’ll turn to the flamingo beside him, and attack.  I’m talking honking, pecking, flapping, the works.  Just as quickly as he started, he’ll stop and slowly walk away, leaving his victim behind like, “Dude.  The fuck.”

  
Also, they sometimes do this thing where they spread their wings, start to make that obnoxious honking noise, stretch their heads toward the sky and walk slowly and ominously forward.  One will do this, then another, and another, until the whole flock is marching in this bizarre homage to Nazi Germany.

  
Unfortunately for this guy, no one was in the mood.

That is how I chose to depict my flamingo; to me it reads elegance, confidence, and a whole lot of pride and egomania.

  
  Just like me.

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How Much Gold Can a Girl Have in her Apartment Before She Becomes Donald Trump?

I cannot buy anything more for my apartment this month.

I know that. I really do.

But I figured, well, it doesn’t hurt to look. And that was true, until I saw this piece on Loveseat and felt my heart expand and then break a little at the thought that this cannot be mine.  

  
 
Even if I had the money, it would be ridiculous to get a gold display case, especially since it would only be displaying books. 

  
It’s best not to picture it in my house. It’s best not to imagine myself opening it to select a book to read to my grandchildren one day, because it’s the kind of piece that I would keep and cherish forever, and pass down to my children, and they would pass down to their children once they too leave this earth.

I will tell myself it is gaudy and would be too much in my home.

Yep. That’s what I’ll do.

Though it wouldn’t hurt to look at coffee tables while I’m already on the app…

All Is Fair in Love and Furniture Shopping

A few days ago, I was furniture shopping and I learned something very important about myself. I am a master negotiator. 

The thing is, there’s really nothing to it. Like, literally nothing. I don’t say a word. I stand and look at the piece I want, then look back at the person selling the item, then look back at the piece. Sometimes I make a little throaty-humming noise, awkwardly press my hand to my cheek or neck, and look around. 

Ten times out of ten, the salesperson feels so uncomfortable, they offer to lower the price. This is a really important moment. They’ll expect you to talk, BUT YOU STILL DON’T. Maybe look at them with a scrunched up forehead. Repeat the Tina Belcheresque groan. Cock your head to the side and hunch your shoulders. Stare at them for a minute too long.

Then they fold. They always do.

Your awkwardness is hard to handle and they’ll be more than ready to bow out of the interaction as soon as possible. You can wait it out–you’ve been training for this your whole damn life.

That is how I ended up with these gorgeous pieces:

  
  
The media stand is technically an old record player holder. The front drawers are fake and do not open, so it’s maybe not the most functional piece BUT I DONT CARE I LOVE IT SO GODDAMN MUCH.

And you know how when you were a kid and would go to your grandparents’ house, there was always that one chair you weren’t allowed to sit in because it was your grandpa’s? Like exclusively his? And it was kind of a little too imposing and large and smack dab in the middle of the room? That is the relationship I plan on establishing with this beautiful, golden work of art. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go. I have a lot of sitting to do. 

Sisters Are Doin’ it for Themselves

Hello world. Did you know that there has only been one black female senator in the history of these beautiful United States of America? Did you also know that there have been zero Indian senators, male or female, in said gorgeous country of ours? 

Did you also also know that Kamala Harris is both black and Indian and just got one step closer to making those facts void? 

That’s pretty cool. Glad I could help with that.

In other fun news, for the first time ever, it seems that two Democrats will make it to the California senatorial showdown come November. And not just that, two LADY Democrats. AND NOT JUST, NOT JUST THAT–TWO MINORITY LADY DEMOCRATS.

Way to go, California. You’re making your girl proud. 

 
   

Flying Too Close to the Sun

I’ve had to wait longer than usual to have a beach day this year.  While most Mays can jump up into the high 80s and even 90s, this past month really seemed set on proving the whole “May Gray” theory.  So when I pulled back my curtains this morning to reveal a sunny sky, I grabbed my bathing suit and a book, and headed to the beach.

It was a beautiful day.  The sun was full and bright and there was a constant cool breeze to keep me from getting too warm and packing up early.  I lounged on the sand, happy to be outside, happy to be young and alive!  I laughed and shook my hair in the salt-tinged air like a woman in a shampoo commercial.  I was beautiful!  I was invincible!  I was so comfortable, so delighted to be soaking up that much needed vitamin D, that I didn’t think twice about the fact that I had forgotten the most important thing to have on one’s first tanning-session of the year.

Sunscreen.  I had forgotten sunscreen.

 

crooked tanlines are in this summer.
 
Fortunately for my delicate face, I was wearing my SPH-infused foundation.  The rest of my body was not so lucky.

 

fun fact: the sun was hitting me on the opposite side of that sunburn.
 
As per usual, my hubris was struck down swiftly by the forces that be and instead of feeling like a honey-dipped Gigi Hadid, I look like a walking ad for skin cancer screenings.

 

im still prettttty, riiiight?
 
 Let this serve as a cautionary tale to you all this weekend. Forget the book. Grab the sunscreen.